The Fall of Rome

Amongst the run-of-the-mill car dealerships and the occasional forlorn hotel, the colorful billboards that crop up every so often are about the most interesting thing that Indiana has to offer. The stretch of highway that is 1-94 seems like it should be a typical example of American life.
Unfortunately, it is.
I stared out my window at the random car or two that passed by, wondering when the trip would be over. I could not take much more of the cooped up car. Luckily, my time in the car was almost at its end. We were only about thirty miles away from our house. 'We' in question was my dad, sister, and brother.
I was desperate for something to do. My sister was driving me up the wall with her annoying Nintendo DS sounds and my brother was snoring. I could not take much more of my dad's CD. Believe it or not, Neil Diamond actually does get old. I took to staring out my window at the billboards.
Perhaps it was the three "Empress Casino" signs offering 90,000 dollars that first caught my attention. Or maybe it was "Beck's Beer- Please Drink Responsibly". All I know, looking back upon it, was that as I got closer and closer to home, the signs got worse and worse. I was certainly interested in "Atlantis Stripclub". Hopefully, they'll sink to and they'll become a myth. But only if we're lucky.
It seemed that every quarter mile, there was another Krazy Kaplan's Fireworks sign -- twelve in all. The "Horseshoe Casino" advertisements were probably the prettiest ones that I saw. I wish I had seen more than five. The sign advertising Paintball was bleak and dull, but the topic was certainly interesting.
Above all, the best sign I saw was definitely the Indiana Welcome Center sign- the row of seven toilets and "Can't Hold It?" certainly made me glad to be home. The three Cigarette Outlet billboards lit up the gloomy day like a beacon. By the end of the highway, I had lost track of all the casino signs (to name a few, Blue Chip Casino, Four Winds Casino, Majestic Star).
The lovely Hooters sign with the woman in the skimpy, skin tight top made me wonder how many accidents had happened on this highway involving distracted men. I especially loved the "Wanted for Child Molestation" sign. It's good to know I can feel safe in my community.
The numerous fireworks signs made me wonder about the need of fireworks (Shelton's and Direct from China Fireworks were two of many) in this sort of beautiful, springy weather. The title of Strangest Billboard on my vacation goes to (drumroll please) "Wild Game, Exotic Meat" with the picture of a Chinese man on the front. It's always good if no one can tell what you're selling.
The two Adult Superstores would certainly be getting a lot of business as long as their billboards were still up. No one would have found them anyways. They were probably located on some creepy back road. I enjoyed the billboards of the closeups on "Showgirls'" cleavage. Highlight of my trip. It was curiously ironic that the Harley Davidson sign came right after it- talk about juxtaposition.
I really loved the "Bedwetting- Neep help?" sign the most of all. Thank God the number was in big letters. I'll be sure to call that number soon. And last of all, "Industrial 'Strip'" lost no meaning, thanks to the scantily clad woman on the billboard.
All in all, I was glad to get home. I definitely did not want to see any more fireworks, near naked woman, or casinos for a long, long time. The experience told me a lot about America. I-94 really is the classic American highway.
The fall of Rome is indeed upon us.